Practicallity
by RitaBoBita
Summary: Remus found no comfort in dwelling upon such silly things as love. His life was dictated by reason and practicality. Then Sirius came into the picture and turned his life upside down. oneshot, slash, but mostly fluff, a little angsty. RLSB r&r?


Was it the scars that traced along his pale skin? Or the fact that he hadn't eaten so much as a piece of toast in the past week?

What was it, he wondered, that made him so unlovable?

He new his affections would never be returned. After all, Sirius already had someone a thousand times better than he was. A million times better.

Remus found no comfort in dwelling upon such silly things as love. His life was dictated by reason, studies, and practicality. He never hoped, he never dreamed, he never wished.

But he always wanted.

Remus refused to entertain ideas of another returning any of his affections; after all, he did turn into a bloodthirsty beast once a month and couldn't bear the idea of putting someone through a relationship with him. But no matter how hard he tried, he could never crush the ache of wanting someone to wrap their arms around him and tell him he mattered, to pet his hair, and whisper in his ear, to sit and drink hot chocolate with him on those cold winter days when the sun barely showed it's yellow face.

But these thoughts were ridiculous, and he dismissed them.

So Remus lived his life, dictated by reason, until the day when his eyes were opened to something more.

It was a Tuesday, not unlike any other Tuesday. James had quiditch practice and Peter had a study date. Oh, yes, and Sirius Black was bored. Very, very bored.

Remus was reading a book his parents had given him for Christmas his second year. He must have read it at least a hundred times. He was only reading it now to distract himself from the strange sensations his stomach was producing at the sight of his best friend lounging in an armchair across from him. He was mentally chastising himself for his feelings, which he deemed unsuitable. It was pointless. He'd already vowed to never let anyone get too close to him. The thought of someone else touching his marred skin and drawing away, disgusted, made him stray away from any physical contact that might incur on a daily basis. Even his parents refused to give him so much as a hug every summer that he returned home.

With this in mind, he was utterly shocked when Sirius jumped into his lap, scattering the book onto the floor, and proclaiming loudly, "Moony! I'm bored!"

Remus chuckled. Of course Sirius was bored. That boy had about a 6 second attention span.

"Well then, Padfoot, what do you recommend we do?"

Sirius grinned. "I was thinking maybe we should nip down to the kitchens for a snack. I'm sort of hungry."

"We have dinner in ten minutes!"

"But I'm hungry now!" Sirius whined, shooting Remus a glance that much resembled a puppy.

Remus sighed. "Alright, we'll go to the kitchens. Come on, you." He dumped Sirius on the floor with an "oomph!" and walked to the portrait with a bemused expression, not even looking back at his friend, who was trying to get back to his feet as fast as possible in order to race down to the kitchens, where house elves would be waiting with piles of delicious food for him to devour. '_There's a couple more things I wouldn't mind devouring'_ Sirius thought, glancing at the slender form walking in front of him. He smiled to himself and wondered if he could ever summon his courage to confess to his friend. Yes, Sirius Black, boyfriend of the most beautiful girl in Gryffindor, had harbored feelings for his werewolf friend for quite a while. He was slightly puzzled at the way Remus never seemed to be attracted to anyone, and wondered even if the boy had the capability to love someone, as he was always shying away from others. He was confident that he could get Remus to love him. He'd been dropping minor hints every once and a while. They were so subtle that Sirius himself hadn't noticed he was doing them. Still, Remus seemed blissfully ignorant.

There was no tension between the two as they walked through the corridors towards to the painting of the bowl of fruit. Remus arrived there first, and tickled the green pear, which giggled, and turned into a door handle. Smiling a little to himself, he opened the door, and stepped into a warm, well-lit room. The smells of delicious food made their way to his nostrils as three house elves curtseyed and asked what they would like.

Sirius immediately starting naming different dishes on his fingers, but soon ran out of room and had to start all over again. Remus smiled and rolled his eyes, helping Sirius to remember what he had said already and what he hadn't. When he was finished, the elves asked Remus if he would like anything. "A glass of water would be lovely, thank you." He said in reply.

Sirius stared quizzically.

"What?" Remus asked.

"That's it? A glass of water? You don't want anything else?" Sirius inquired.

"I'm not hungry." Remus shrugged.

"Oh." Something was wrong. Sirius could feel it. Remus looked different. His faces was pinched and drawn, he was rapidly losing what little weight he had to begin with and the scars the wolf inflicted upon Remus were getting deeper and deeper every month.

Remus rubbed his eyes and leaned back against one of the tables. He yawned, betraying the sleepless nights he had spent simply looking at the stars and waiting for life to take it's course. He had been watching each day go by as a new task to be completed, watching friends with their girlfriends, watching peoples' behaviors. Simply watching, and waiting. It was what Remus was good at. With his lycanthropy, he knew the chances of him getting a good job after school were slim to none, so he lived his life by not living it. He watched others live their lives instead. He watched how they lied, smiled, laughed, cried, fell in love, and fell out of love with one word. He liked people and how they acted. He liked to watch their lives instead of dealing with the cold void that was his own.

Of course, He never let his façade down. To everyone, he seemed like a quiet, relaxed, and clever guy. His friends relied on him quite a lot to help them with their pranks and social problems. He was the brains to their brawn and the sea to their storm.

When the food arrived, Sirius started tucking in like the food would disappear in two minutes and he had to cram as much as he could into his stomach before it did. Remus laughed and ran a hand through his hair, temporarily distracting Sirius, and causing him to choke on a bit of mashed potato. Remus laughed harder.

"Careful there, Padfoot. It'll still be there in five minutes."

He was smiling, the tension hidden behind laugh lines and white teeth. Sirius smiled too. Happiness reflected back and forth from the two boys.

"You sure you don't want some, Remus?" A concerned look replaced the smile.

"Yes, I'm fine, really." The smile became forced, the tension visible again. He didn't want to have to explain. Not when everything was perfect.

"You don't seem fine." Sirius raised an eyebrow.

Remus laughed again. "Really, Sirius, I'm fine. I had a chocolate bar earlier in the dorm." It was a lie. There hadn't been any chocolate. Sirius knew that. Remus knew Sirius knew that.

"Come on, Moony, one bite. Open wide!" He lifted a forkful of mashed potatoes and started moving it towards his friend's mouth.

They both laughed.

"Come on, there's no need for tha-" The fork was quickly inserted into his gaping mouth as he was talking. The fork was removed without the mashed potatoes; he swallowed, looked thoughtful, and then grabbed the fork and plate out of Sirius's hands. Both felt like fires had started where their fingers brushed. Remus began to eat, reveling in the taste of what he'd forgotten. When he was done, he grabbed another plate. Soon they both were shoving any edible items they could get their hands on into their mouths and consuming them.

When they were both done, they thanked the elves, and stumbled, laughing, back up to the common room and to their dorms. Remus flopped onto his carefully made bed and groaned.

"I'm so full!" he complained. Sirius flopped down next to him and sat up.

"Me too. It was good though, wasn't it?" Already Remus had some color back in his checks.

"Mmm. It was very good." He closed his eyes. Sirius looked down at him and smiled. _I'll teach him how to live again_. He thought.

It clicked. He would tell him. Now.

"Remus?"

"Hm?" came the sleepy reply.

"I need to tell you something." Gold eyes shot open, and Remus sat up a little.

"Okay, what's on your mind?"

"Well, um, I'm gay." _Best start at the beginning_ He thought.

"Really?" Remus was shocked.

"Really."

"But what about Vanessa? Why did you go out with her if you were gay?"

Sirius thought a moment.

"Well, there's this guy. He's adorable, sweet, and incredibly smart, he listens to me- anyway, I guess I just wanted to make him jealous. I really like him, Remus. I didn't know what else to do." He hung his head.

Remus' mind was spinning. Sirius was gay. _Sirius_ was _gay_.

'_Maybe he likes you!_'

'_Not possible. Didn't you hear that description of that guy he said he liked? Definitely not me.'_

'_God, Remus, for once in your life, let yourself hope! At least you could pretend like you could ever have a chance with him now! Maybe in time-'_

'_No.'_

He cut himself off. Now was not the time for internal arguments. His friend needed him.

"Well, Padfoot, did you tell him?"

"Nah, I think he's strai- wait, you're okay with this?" Sirius looked up at him, a hopeful look in his eyes.

Remus chuckled. "Of course I am, Sirius. I'd be a hypocrite if I weren't-" He stopped himself too late. His eyes widened. He'd never meant to let it slip out. Remus blushed at quickly glanced away.

Sirius's shocked face transformed into a smile.

"Remus?"

"Yeah?" He still wasn't looking at him, but rather turned his gaze from the wall to the bedspread.

"You want to know who I like?"

"I dunno, do I?" He was still looking at the quilt.

Sirius' smile was plastered to his face.

"He's you, Moony."

Remus' face shot up, reddened, and glanced down again.

"Impossible." He muttered, squeezing his eyes shut.

"No, Remus, it's true. I- I think I might love you." The smile was gone. The hope was gone. His eyes were pleading, betraying the poorly concealed desperation in his voice.

"No, it's not. I'm unlovable. I always have been, I always will be." He looked at Sirius.

"But it's true! I just-I love you!" He was insisting, pleading. "Please." He whispered. "Please, Remus."

"But it's impossible! There's no such thing as a happy ending. There's no way that my best friend, who I've liked for a year now, could ever return my feelings. I'm a monster. I'm hideous. I have no future, and no one to share it with anyway. I've spent so much time just watching people, learning how life is supposed to feel, and I don't. I just don't believe that something I've never let myself dream of is actually tru-"

Sirius crushed his lips to Remus'. Daring him to resist, push away, even hit him.

Remus was confused, but he couldn't resist the butterflies that were exploding in his stomach, or the electricity running from where Sirius' hands were gripping his shoulders. He slowly started responding, carefully putting his arms around Sirius and bringing them closer. He was waiting for the moment when Sirius pulled away, when the disgust would be evident in every line on his face. He was scared.

When Sirius pulled away at last, he gave an apologetic grin.

"I couldn't get you to shut up…" he said.

Remus smiled and shoved him on the shoulder.

"You prat." They laughed, and Sirius reached out and stroked Remus' cheek with the back of his hand.

"I really do care about you a lot. I've wanted to do that for a long time."

After a pause, Remus said, "I know. I believe you now."

He caught Sirius' hand on his cheek and laced their fingers together, bringing them down to rest on the bed. He gave a nervous smile, and glanced down yet again.

Sirius tilted his head back up to meet his eyes with Remus' gold ones, and leaned in slowly, taking in the sent that had been haunting his dreams for months. He lowered his head to Remus' jaw line and began planting slow kisses across it and down his neck.

"Hey! No fair, that's teasing!" Remus pouted, tangling his fingers into black locks, and arching his neck. Sirius chuckled and brought his lips back up to Remus' lips. "You love it anyways." He murmured against them and initiated a deep kiss that made both of them breathless.

Remus found no comfort in dwelling upon such silly things as love. His life was dictated by reason, studies, and practicality. And then Sirius came into the picture, and his world was turned upside down.


End file.
